Bipolar Memory Bank
by Storm

Memory. No, I’m not talking about how much RAM you have in your computer. I’m talking about how much you have in your bipolar brain. Or rather, the lack of it in my own bipolar brain's memory cache. I can remember a time when I was like a sponge and could spew out bits of information on any subject that had absolutely no real value to anyone for any reason whatsoever. But at least I could do it. Now, some people may claim that it is due to my age (44) that my memory is starting to fail me.  Okay, I’ll agree to that to a certain extent. But when I cannot even recall what I just had for breakfast, sorry Charlie, I’m not THAT old yet. It’s the medication combined with the disorder. It simply has to be.


An elderly friend of mine refers to these as “senior moments” which I find quite cute and endearing. But I’m too damn young to be having this many senior moments at this point in my life.  Another friend said she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s, she has “Sometimer’s. Sigh, I’m not making light of that disease either, so please, no hate email. I am just merely trying to make a point on how frustrating it is when you cannot even recall something that has just not even an hour prior.


And I know bipolars who are in their 20s and this forgetfulness still occurs so it has nothing to do with age. It is so discouraging and frustrating to have to tell someone that “I don’t remember” something that they just said or that you yourself just said or did not even 15 minutes ago. They usually assume you’re either lying or too lazy to just talk about it. It’s also a very scary feeling. At least in my own experience, it’s not even that I don’t remember it’s as if it never happened in the first place.


I’ve written before about being the “sticky note pad queen” but hell, I don’t always remember to check the sticky notes! I need something to help me remember to check my notes to remember to remember. Now that’s getting pretty bad. There are times when I actually can just blank out in midsentence and completely lose the train of thought and it never comes back. It just goes black. Dead. Gone. Zilch. Nothing there. Gone forever. Not a clue. Nothing. Bye bye.


The funny thing is, this doesn’t happen to me when I write. Neither does the struggle to find the correct word. This only happens to me when I have to verbalize something. Hmmm. That leads me to wonder if it isn’t connected to the speech area of the brain. Something to research into, eh?


For all I know, I may have already written about this topic and you dear reader are just rereading something I have already written! My apologies if this is the case. I seldom reread any of my work for I have no patience to do such.  I write it, publish it, then move on to the next one. Themestream has yet to republish at least 4 of my articles that they lost during their server glitch and of course I don’t have the memory to rewrite them and hard drive I had them on crashed and I lost the hard drive copy and no, I didn’t have them on back up disks. Yes I know, how stupid of me. But since I am the queen of the procrastinator’s club, it is to be expected.  I really do need to start putting my work on disks. Hmm…yeah...tomorrow…yeah …tomorrow I’ll start doing that very thing.


Depending of course that I remember to do it.




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