Give me back my Stabilizers
by Storm

Okay, give me my other mood stabilizers back.  I went off Neurontin and was put on Topamax to help counteract the dreaded weight gain from the med combo. Well, I love the Topamax but it was making me cycle like a maniac (no pun intended). So I went back on the Neurontin to see if that would help me stabilize a bit. Yep, sure enough, thatís what it did. Whew. All that cycling was wearing me out emotionally and physically. The rapid changes and the anger and the confusion. It was all beginning to freak me out just a bit too much and I was seriously beginning to wonder if I was really beginning to ďlose itĒ.


So once again, I rejoin the forces of heavily medicated bipolars of the world. I will once again be clipping the corners of walls when I walk. As I walk down the aisles of drugstores I will be knocking things off the shelves because my peripheral vision will be shot to hell and my perception is going to be lacking in accuracy.  Something to look forward to isnít it? So I have a choice of being a mental basket case or being a stoned calm cookie. Right now, Iíll take the cookie please. My brain needs the rest. Itís been going over the speed limit for too many weeks in a row lately and is just about to blow its engine.


Actually it isnít really that bad. Eventually the feeling of being stoned all the time will gradually fade and Iíll just feel a slight sedation. Calms the savage beast in me. Or should I say the manic beast in me. I never realized just how manic that beast could be until these past few weeks. All those years before I was diagnosed and on medication, I was usually drinking and always attributed my odd behaviors to the booze. The booze would calm the beast or sometimes it would allow the beast to emerge in full force. Those werenít good nights.


I like this calm feeling. Itís almost in the ďzombie zoneĒ but not quite. Iím pretty much just ďhereĒ while the rest of the world is ďthereĒ. Iím simple along for the ride. Nothing bothers me now. It rolls off like water off a duckís back. Iím the duck, life is the water. I like being the duck as long as I donít get daffy. Then I turn into one troubled daffy duck.


I also enjoy my alone time while in the stabilized stoned zone. I feel content, serene and dare I say itóhappy. Ack, donít jinx it.  But I really do feel that way, at least for now. Tomorrow could bring an entire new look and new cycle of Lord only knows what. But for now, Iíll just sit back and enjoy being me as I am right now. Happy.



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