Want To
by Storm


Want to have a good hypo-manic cycle blown right out of the water? Have what you have considered to be your best friend in the world suddenly let you down in a way that breaks your heart and open your eyes to the point where you realize that they are not and have not ever been your best friend. You will cycle downwards to a deep depression faster than gossipmonger dashes to her gossip fence.

 

This sort of reaction is typical of all types of people but for the bipolar person it can be a dangerous one. This happened to me just last evening. I hit rock bottom before the blood even had a chance to make a full cycle through my heart system. My stomach dropped, my palms became wet, stomach queasy, head reeling. Even with the antidepressants, hot, boiling tears sprang to the edges of my eyes. My heart began to pound till I thought it was going to spring right out from my chest. My knees battered though they may be from years of bending over flowerbeds, had suddenly gone week as a 3-day-old kitten, my head was spinning. This couldn’t be happening.

 

I’ll spare you the gory details save for the fact I’d been duped. And duped for about the past six months or so.  Someone I thought was my best friend turned out to be my “in words only” best friend. A friend who was best when it suited his needs.  Now that I am hundreds of miles away and out of the “free calling zone”, I’m a has- been of what was.  I actually wanted to die as I heard him say “don’t you get the “hint?”  Apparently I had assumed friendships were forever and that they knew no boundaries and continued on regardless of whether one member moved away. Boy was I wrong. Get out of that free calling zone and you’re history sister.

 

I guess I should have gotten the “hint” months back when he said that he “just couldn’t handle this “thing” with my head anymore.” A real man of words, eh? Not to mention compassionate. A real stick-to-the-end kind of friend. This “thing with my head.” He didn’t even have the decency to remember the term bipolar disorder. I’d been made to feel guilty for something that wasn’t my fault to begin with. I wonder if he would have walked if I’d had the big “C” word (cancer) too. Or if I’d lost an arm or a leg to a shark bite. Nah, I’d probably have gotten a lecture about not watching out for the shark or being in the shark’s way or something just as inane.

 

So I took this news down to a severe level of depression. A level I hadn’t reached in sometime. A level to where I cannot even see straight.  I wanted to die except I’m generally as a rule against suicide. But how much hurt can one-person bear before they overlook that rule?  When the one person in the world you look up to pretty much blows you off and tells you they have no use for you, how low can you go before you decide that you’ve had enough? The show is over? The fat lady had sung her last chorus?

 

Do you “off” yourself to spite them? Nah, in 6 months they’ll just forget you all over again and continue on with their happy life. If they didn’t miss you while you were alive, they sure as hell wont miss you when you’re dead.

 

But then in a few days (if you’re lucky) the depression wears away and you begin to see the light of sensibility. The pain begins to numb a bit if not erode completely because anger replaces it or indifferences makes it’s home in that empty hole.  Your “normal” brain takes over (thankfully) and you think calmly as you should and you realize you have an entire life you life and why should you let one schmuck destroy what is left for you to live.

 

You look at what you have, good or bad, and realize that even with all the ups and downs, it is still yours to live and by God you’re going to do just that and to hell with the so-called friend. You have others who are friends you will stand by you in sickness and in bipolar disorder even though they don’t really understand it, they care enough about you that they will regardless of your flare-ups, still be there for you because that my friends, is what true friends do.

 

So dump the game players and embrace those true friends because in the rough times they are going to be the ones who stick around and will be there for you when the tears come afterwards.

 

 

 

 

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