What a nice place I
have here to write and speak out of having bi polar.
I am trying to
embrace and accept my bipolarity and tell myself it only makes me that much more
unique. I was dx with bp, ptsd, chronic depression for the first time 12 years
ago, but I paid no attention to the psycho babble, and continued my eating
disorder because it was my coping mechanism. I thought I let go of a lot of
things and ďWORKEDĒ them out. I spent years going in and out of relationships,
being promiscuous, being angry then sad, it was a terrible roller coaster ride.
Then I spent years
trying to appear normal, be a single mother of two kids, and work hard as a
I always knew there was something down there, something that would make the
bottom fall out of my whole world. I finally started fading and coming out of
years of mania to depression, suicidal thoughts.....my boyfriend, now husband,
begged me to marry him so he could take care of me. He did not do the double
take most people do on mental illnesses, he seriously was there for me with
support and knowledge. (Unfortunately at times, I am the hardest on him and lash
out at him quicker, he says it is a backwards compliment...but then I feel
horrible for days, because he is the one person I am safe with.
Safety is a big
issue for me, trust is too. I was sexually abused by many of my relatives; I
suppose the fact that my father had 5 girls made us a breeding ground for these
degenerates. Dating far back through my biological tree, I came from a long
line of alcoholics, drug addicts, and sexual perverts.
I first remember
molestation at the age of 3, but feel there was some as an infant. My memories
are coming fast and hard these days, thus I feel like leaving this world, but I
am trying to stay and really heal this time.
I hate taking my
meds Lithium makes me gain weight and for an eating disorder person, that is
driving me crazy, however I know it works. Sometimes I donít take them, I think
sometimes they take away the real me, but when the crap hits the fan, we know
that I need to continue in therapy, group, and all my meds.
I donít understand
so much of this disease; I hate all the feelings that get stuck inside of me. I
hate the racing thoughts; I think I am going crazy!!!
I really donít think
I have a point here I just wanted to write.
I do know there is
hope; my children are lovely, my husband is the best, and my home is safe and
calm. I do miss chaos since I am most familiar with it, I will try to create it
when I feel low.
I want to stop
wishing and start working. Having bi polar isnít the end of the world, just
feels like it at times, it actually has a lot of advantages, like when manic, I
am organized and energetic, my intelligence always shines through.
God bless all of you
and keep on keeping on.
Starla Denise Minde