this is my story....

I grew up with a controlling mother, even her sisters where afraid of her. We had people in and out of our lives because of her mood swings and grudges she would so deeply hold on to. When she was alone, I was her doll. I was not allowed friends, they were a threat to her. by 12 I became severely introverted and sad. there was one family we hung with occasionally that lived just up the road from us. I loved there children and babysat often as I was the oldest.

Life was sad but tolerable then. until one day when I was babysitting the four children of the neighbors. The father came home from work drunk, very drunk. I can still smell the alcohol on his breath. I sat at the table doing homework when he entered. immediately I felt funny, scared. He reached over from behind and began rubbing my breast. I was 13! before the kids got home he had done much much more that I will probably never be able to say, but this lasted for years before someone told on him. A neighbor that was a couple years older than me told against my will and that was the first time I felt the world crumbled so hard I wanted to die.

Mom didn't believe me and it was my fathers best friend, he never said anything about the subject. I had lost my trust in the world and they acted like I was an overdramatic teen. this is when I began to cut my arms, to make myself suffer for being so bad, was I bad? I would cut and bleed and enjoy the stinging afterwards. as I got older, this became a bad habit to control any stressful situation. Now I am 36 and can say that I still cut but mostly scratch with objects to bleed, but at least this way I am leaving my veins alone. I have horrible scars all over my hands, wrists, and tracing my veins. often the kids ask why and I don't know what to say as I am so embarrassed at this action.

I have overdosed twice on klonazapan and the second time left me in a coma for several days. so my docs are weary about giving me meds for anxiety as I am considered an abuser.

I have a stressful life raising four beautiful kids and a disabled husband. financially we struggle from day to day and everyone relies on my income. I was told by docs that I am sic enough to be disabled but again, that is not an option. My husband has a heart condition that is not repairable and our future is uncertain. he also has psych issues that he wont admit to. he is mean to us most of the time and blames much of my issues on my doctors giving me too much medications. He wants to be intimate in ways that disgust me and in order for me to do it I must drink, now that too is getting out of hand.

I have tried to go to college for nursing and came so close, but one professor had no faith in me and stepped on my ego from the first day of her clinicals and slowly I died. she convinced me to give up and now I feel I threw my life away...I am sadder than I have ever been and wonder if I will ever feel complete. its quite tiring to struggle for goals that keep getting knocked out of your reach. I had one semester left to be an RN!

now I fight to stay out of the hospital as most of my thoughts are risky and wrong and dark. I know I cant give up buy I so want to, I desire to end the pain and confusion played in this endless mind of mine.

I am a good person and I work hard to support everyone but I have realized that there is not enough time for me to take care of me. if only./....

so here I am trying to make sense out of these escalating emotions I feel. who am I? who have I become? and why has HE not taken me when I have offered myself up to him several times....I am tired....

sorry if this is too depressing
love and hugs



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