|this is my
I grew up with a controlling mother, even her sisters
where afraid of her. We had people in and out of our
lives because of her mood swings and grudges she would
so deeply hold on to. When she was alone, I was her
doll. I was not allowed friends, they were a threat to
her. by 12 I became severely introverted and sad.
there was one family we hung with occasionally that
lived just up the road from us. I loved there children
and babysat often as I was the oldest.
Life was sad but tolerable then. until one day when I
was babysitting the four children of the neighbors.
The father came home from work drunk, very drunk. I
can still smell the alcohol on his breath. I sat at
the table doing homework when he entered. immediately
I felt funny, scared. He reached over from behind and
began rubbing my breast. I was 13! before the kids got
home he had done much much more that I will probably
never be able to say, but this lasted for years before
someone told on him. A neighbor that was a couple
years older than me told against my will and that was
the first time I felt the world crumbled so hard I
wanted to die.
Mom didn't believe me and it was my fathers best
friend, he never said anything about the subject. I
had lost my trust in the world and they acted like I
was an overdramatic teen. this is when I began to cut
my arms, to make myself suffer for being so bad, was I
bad? I would cut and bleed and enjoy the stinging
afterwards. as I got older, this became a bad habit to
control any stressful situation. Now I am 36 and can
say that I still cut but mostly scratch with objects
to bleed, but at least this way I am leaving my veins
alone. I have horrible scars all over my hands,
wrists, and tracing my veins. often the kids ask why
and I don't know what to say as I am so embarrassed at
I have overdosed twice on klonazapan and the second
time left me in a coma for several days. so my docs
are weary about giving me meds for anxiety as I am
considered an abuser.
I have a stressful life raising four beautiful kids
and a disabled husband. financially we struggle from
day to day and everyone relies on my income. I was
told by docs that I am sic enough to be disabled but
again, that is not an option. My husband has a heart
condition that is not repairable and our future is
uncertain. he also has psych issues that he wont admit
to. he is mean to us most of the time and blames much
of my issues on my doctors giving me too much
medications. He wants to be intimate in ways that
disgust me and in order for me to do it I must drink,
now that too is getting out of hand.
I have tried to go to college for nursing and came so
close, but one professor had no faith in me and
stepped on my ego from the first day of her clinicals
and slowly I died. she convinced me to give up and now
I feel I threw my life away...I am sadder than I have
ever been and wonder if I will ever feel complete. its
quite tiring to struggle for goals that keep getting
knocked out of your reach. I had one semester left to
be an RN!
now I fight to stay out of the hospital as most of my
thoughts are risky and wrong and dark. I know I cant
give up buy I so want to, I desire to end the pain and
confusion played in this endless mind of mine.
I am a good person and I work hard to support everyone
but I have realized that there is not enough time for
me to take care of me. if only./....
so here I am trying to make sense out of these
escalating emotions I feel. who am I? who have I
become? and why has HE not taken me when I have
offered myself up to him several times....I am
sorry if this is too depressing
love and hugs