Isn’t it funny how we all have a story and until we get
it down on paper can we objectively view the component parts. Let me ask you a
question. Have you ever felt so bad about your life that it was easier to stay
in bed each morning, coiled in the foetal position, firmly tucked away from the
fears and tears that the coming day had in store?. Have you been so low and
alone that what you really would prefer would be to just....... fade away.
Nothing, it seems, can save you from this most
overwhelming blackness mixed with a series of irrational fears about your future
or current situation.
These fears are so strong that they really border
paranoia. You also believe that no one other than you ever felt this way. You
just want the world to go away, so you tuck yourself further into the bed and
continue to worry.
It has been days since you slept which means your
whirring mind has 24 hours of opportunity each day to undermine and
criticise.Any semblence of self confidence has evapourated with assistance of
this negative self talk.The worst thing though, is being completely out of
control. You did not invent or encourage this absolute bleakness or encourage
your self esteem to destert you. You know not why this has happened and feel
there is no one to talk to as they surely will not understand. The question
of’What is happening to me’ is so real. Where did this come from and when will
it leave? Not only when will it leave, but horribly, when will it return and
The very first time I experienced this obnoxious, soul
destroying blackness was when I was eighteen years of age. My father had
recently been killed in and industrial accident and the grief I experienced
probably kicked off this episode. The blackness was accompanied with terrible
anxiety and changed my life forever. Up until that point I had a normal, healthy
happy existence and life was filled with opportunity, colour and a sort of
innocence, the latter left me forever the first time I was depressed.However,
looking back, my life was not actually normal, just normal for me. I was always
and had always been anxious, or cried much more than my friends and felt things
deeper than most of my compatriots.But I had never experienced depression until
The anxious depression was to follow me throughout my
life and appeared just when I believed I had beaten it.I began psychotherapy,
mixed this with a medication regime but all to no avail. Whilst I was holding
down a job and progressing through it all, I was always fearful that the colour
in my life could dissapear at any moment and I would be overwhelmed with those
devastating emotions that exist within this anxious depression that lived deep
within me.Unable to function, to converse, to feel any form of joy,unable to
read, or concentrate or sleep.Why me, why has this happened to me.
Well, I am very nearly fifty years of age and I actually
think I am getting the hang of this. First, I was diagnosed as Bipolar
about seven years ago and the medications I take work for me, most of the time.
I take 1000mg of Lithium daily and augment that with 20mg of an SSRI [Cipramil].
I watch my food and alcohol intake, ensure I have regular excercise and attempt
to balance my emotional/stress levels as much as I can. I have continued to work
for the same multi-national company throughout my adult life and now hold a
senior position. The balance is even more important now and I can still be
thrown off balance, but the dark days are just blue and the anxiety is
manageable, thank god.
My message is this. You can and you will, no matter how
difficult, overcome this burden. But consider it in a different light. Think how
much more insight you have due to the experiences you have shared with
Think how much more of an empathetic person you have
the world was
filled with more people just like you, it would instantly be
nuturing place to live. Go on, share your self nourishment
to soften the world.
All the very best,