Sunday, July 11, 1999

My story begins at my birth. According to both of my parents I was stillborn.

There are different accounts as to how long it was before I was revived. From my father's description of chasing the ambulance to the next town with adequate facilities, it had to have been at least 15 minutes.

My first memories are of lying in my bed at night looking at the ceiling believing that it was crawling with bugs.  I was terrified night after night. I also remember being told a lot that I was making up stories all the time. As far as I was concerned they were all true and I didnít understand why they didnít believe me.

My parents divorced when I was about 2 and my mom kept me for awhile but  my father had met someone else and convinced her that they could give me a better life, so she reluctantly gave me up to them. My Step-mom was the witch-from-hell. Every chance she got, of course when my dad was gone, she would beat me mercilessly. Really gory, sadistic stuff. Plus her kids would join in on the fun.

I remember being about 7 or 8 and wanting to go to the train tracks and throw myself in front of an oncoming train.

Just before my 10th birthday my dad divorced her and I felt as if I had been let out of prison. The relief didnít last long.  The night of my 10th birthday my dad took me to his bed.  It wasnít an actual rape but a molestation none the lessÖ enough to shatter any hope I had of a normal life. This continued for almost 3 years. I finally told an aunt I trusted about it and she confronted him. The late night visits stopped.

For the next couple of years I played Russian roulette with my body.  I was easily influenced into almost any situation, with anyone. I knew that I was different but had no idea how different.

Then I calmed down through most of my high school years and was always an A/B student.  At the beginning of my Senior year I became very depressed.  I decided to run away all the way across the U.S. to live with my mom. I went on to graduate and even went to a year of college. Then my brother and his wife had their first child, the first grandchild, so we decided to come back here to see the little tyke. We never left.

I briefly married a childhood friend, it only lasted 6 months, only 3 of which we lived together. Then in true Lesa fashion it was on to the next man. I pursued and caught a man twice my age. I believed he could provide me with stability. Not so. By the time I figured this out I was pregnant with his child. I left anyway and tried to resume a relationship with my ex-husband. He was no longer interested and had moved on. I obsessed about him for almost a year, but then met someone new. He was sweet and kind. I trusted that he would never hurt me and for a long time he didnít. After we had been together about 9 months I found out that I was pregnant with his child. Oh, sweet bliss, but it wasnít to last long. When our little girl was 8 months old he walked out. This was the point of my first real breakdown. Within a month I was crying hysterically and banging my head on my kitchen table and begging my mom and cousin to take me to the hospital. My mother refused, telling me to stop being a baby. Almost immediately I fell head over heels with another of my cousins husband. He went back and forth between us for a couple of months during which I once again got pregnant. By mid-pregnancy we no longer were seeing each other.

When the baby, a beautiful boy, was 3 1/2 months old I found him dead from SIDS.  Many hospitalizations followed. I have at one point or another been diagnosed with every mental illness except Bipolar Affective Disorder. 

My daughterís father and I rekindled our romance and got married on May 10, 1995.  Iíve put him through so much but he has always stuck by me. Even when I would become completely irrational and take the children and leave him for really no good reason at all. Iíd always come crying, begging him back and he would take me back.

Then last August I finally convinced my psyc Dr. to try me on medication for Bipolar Disorder. Before the medicine even had a chance to get into my system, I once again left home, kids in tow. Within a week I felt like a completely different person. I could think clearly for the first time in 10 years. I knew that I really did love my husband and spent 6 months convincing him that this time would be different. He finally agreed to try one more time and so far weíre doing great.

I still have days that I can hardly function, but theyíre rare. Iím still learning about my illness, as much as I possibly can in fact. Plus my husband has done his share of homework too. He can see a Ďbad spellĒ coming and can usually help me head it off. Plus the children help out a lot when Iím feeling sick. Our lives arenít perfect by any means, but weíre happy and leading as normal a life as one could expect. 

I thank God for my Dr., Meds, and websites like this one. They have not only enriched my life, but have literally saved it.

Lesa would love to hear from you!
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