Emal Laura Here


 It seems as though I will never overcome this what seems like an
 obsession I have with him.  I can't tell if it is unhealthy or
 romantically destined.  I imagine that he thinks that now I know
 about his disease that I will run away.  As I see it I do not care. 

 I, of course know practically nothing of this emotional imbalance except
 that people who it affects are caught in this web of their own demons
 controlling their emotions going from one extreme to the next.  I
 cannot imagine what it is like to live with someone that might turn
 into this scary monster and bite my head off one day.  Who knows what
 he will do at any given moment.  But I do miss him so.  I feel like
 calling and finally revealing my feelings for him and letting him know
 that it just doesn't matter that he is emotionally unstable sometimes. 
 So am I sometimes.  I am insecure and emotional so I don't know if I
 could handle it.  We met only two months ago and revealed to me his
 condition three days ago.   We never got into one altercation.  He has
 been medicated for 10 years.   It does seem like we've known each other
 longer though.  That is what he used to tell me until I turned into a
 hot potato after retuning from a 12-day family summer vacation two
 weeks weeks ago.  The relationship started quickly then, we went from
 seeing each other almost every day to practically nothing.  We chatted
 almost every day while I was on vacation.  He was so sweet and gentle.
 I couldn't picture him any other way.  He was very quiet at times
 though.  It almost made me feel like I had to fill in the blanks to
 keep the conversation going.  Everyone who saw us together mentioned
 his obvious affections towards me.  They couldn't imagine him just not
 responding for lack of feeling. I was baffled and completely dismayed
 when he stopped calling.  No one who has shown that much interest in me
 has ever so quickly dropped out of sight.  I had no idea people
 affected with this disease could feel so rejected and freakish that
 they are compelled to retreat from the ones they feel for before they
 found out what was wrong and beet them to the punch.  Could this be one    of     those times that things just can't work out because of
 circumstances?  Or can it work?  I just don't know.  I think about him all the       time and that is rare for me.  I'm usually closed-up.  Now I
 don't know if I should leave him alone or call him and just talk as a
 friend.  I feel like time is just wasting away.  When you find someone
 you want to be with every day after 40 years you would like it to begin
 as soon as possible.  But he has to change careers take care of his
 adolescent children and he cannot handle a relationship at this time. 
 I would just me a burden.  Just let me get through these couple of
 months he says.  I the beginning he made all of these plans to help me
 out-I didn't ask for it I just figured he liked me and I'm a giving
 person in return.  I guess it was just too overwhelming for him.  Maybe
 I'm just a romantic fool to believe in this.  I should find someone
 with out so much "baggage" my friends say.  But isn't there always
 baggage.  I've prayed so hard this past two weeks for serenity,
 understanding and acceptance.  I don't know exactly what to do. 

 Should I leave him alone or let him know I'll try to be there for him.  I've
 been trying to get this off my mind- I even had sex with another guy
 (before I knew about his condition.)  I was fed-up with no calls.    I
 hadn't gone all the way with him yet.  It's been almost 4 years of no
 intercourse.  I thought I would save it for someone very special and I
 planned it to be the day he walked out of my life ironically enough.
 Now in desperation to forget about him I gave it up to a passing ship.

 I don't feel that guilty though but I long for his affections right
 now.  Now one could fill his shoes.  I cried severely during the act
 with the other guy.  Poor guy-He was understanding but didn't believe
 that I had gone almost 4 years without.  How could you possible do that
 he asked.    Kind of a waste, but this experience has made me more open
 and accepting.  I believe there is good to be extracted in every
 situation.  As I get older I realize that anger and hyperactive
 emotional response is not healthy and I'm beginning to control it thru
 meditation and prayer.  Just be - even if you are going through pain
 endure it and accept it.  It is only a capsule of time.  Good feelings
 will eventually come in good time.  We are blessed if we are patient
 and calm.   That is the beauty of life-meditation.  I will get the
 answer-but I will be patient and nonreactive-less ego more silence and
 of course as always more Love.
 My main aim for writing my experience is to reach out to people in your
 situation who think you are unlovable.  Someone can and will Love you
 but you might not always know because they might not reveal it to you
 right away.  Just as simply as you keeping your dirty little secret
 from them.  They have feelings-they experience the pain of the loss,
 not being able to spend time with you, to laugh with you and hold you
 because you so abruptly ended the relationship in vain.  Their life is
 greatly affected by it.  They spend hours crying and questioning what
 they've done to suppress your affections.  They blame themselves and
 end up being sad and depressed.  When he told me after two weeks of
 near silence it lifted a dark cloud and I could finally make sense of
 his behavior.  Now I can move on gracefully and give him the space he
 needs without feeling twisted and miserable myself.  Maybe someday if
 it is God's will we can be together.  Maybe not, but it is now both of
 our decision not just his created out of fear and shame.  I will be his
 friend and if he keeps with his treatment and If can handle this I will
 stay with him and support him.  But please let us make the decision
 too.  You might be surprised at the outcome.
 Be strong and open hearted.  Find contentment.  Remember, everyone feels at least parts of what you feel.


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