My biological father raped my mom at age of 18. It was what we now
call date rape. She ended up marrying this alcoholic abusive man.
He beat her frequently and I guess I am lucky to be here. She has
gone through 3 more abusive relationships, 2 of which were mental
abuse. As a young child I remember my first stepfather having my
Mom by her hair with a gun on her. I remember allot of times us
walking and him driving along trying to get us in the car. My
second stepfather was emotionally handicapped. I never received
any hugs, I love yous nor did my Mom. He ended up adopting me. All
my life I craved and needed love from a man.
When I was little I slept with a butter knife under my pillow
because I thought someone was after me. This thinking stayed with
me until my 20's. I did go to a counselor when I was 9 but I don't
know what they told my Mom nor does she remember now. When I hit
my teens I became more promiscuous with sex although I didn't have
sex with that many guys I thought I was in love with them and they
would save me from life. They were going to love me the way I
needed them to love me. They were only teen-age boys out for what
they could get. I was date raped and let these guys treat me life
I had gotten stronger when I met my first husband and we got along
ok until he became a state policeman then our family fell apart.
At this time, we had 2 small children. We divorced after 7 years
of marriage and having dated 4 years before we married. This was
so damaging to my ego and my hopes. I had always said I didn't
want to be like my Mom. I didn't want the divorce but he make it
unbearable and made sure that I knew he didn't want to be married
to me anymore.
My second marriage was a fluke. I need to say this was a rebound
thing. I married very quickly after my first divorce. He was a
good man but he had a schizophrenic son who wanted what his father
had, me. It fell to his father to take care of him even though he
was 18. I couldn't have him around my small children. We divorced
after a year.
My third marriage was to a man who was a selfish, mentally abusive
pig. He cheated on me almost from the start of our relationship.
We were married for 10 years. I put up with it that long. I didn't
want another divorce. I kept believing that he wouldn't do it
again. I found pics of him and another woman. My life was a living
hell. I started to change at this time. I lost all respect for
myself as well as the respect of my children.
I had a nervous breakdown. I was first diagnosed with major
depression and then later when I had shown some risqué sexual
behavior that my counselor knew was not me and was encouraged by
my husband, I was diagnosed with bipolar.
This was about six years into the marriage. We stayed together for
four more years. He was not supportive of course. He was a very
Ever since then I am what I am. I am a very unhappy, depressed
person. I have few good days. I don't remember the last time I was
I have been hospitalized once overnight. My first pdoc has left
and I am on my second one. I am still trying to get a handle on
My son was just diagnosed with depression and I am keeping my
fingers crossed that he doesn't get bp.
Well that's my story and I am sticking to it.