Today I checked myself into the psyche ward at our local
hospital. I think I'm more frightened than I have ever
been in my life.
After a few days of settling in and being put on
medication, I was brought in to a psychiatrist, who
diagnosed me with rapid cycling bipolar disorder. This
basically means that your mood cycles or changes at
least four times a year. Mine change probably every
month, or sometimes by the week or even by the day. He
put me on a combination of medication - an
antidepressant, and a mood stabilizer. These were
effexor and remeron.(375 mg of effexor and 60 mg of
remmeron once daily).
Paxil was given to me by my gp about 2 years ago and
worked somewhat but now we have finally found something
that really works. It may be too late.
Today my wife told me she hates me. I never thought I
would ever hear this from her lips. I just wish that my
wife had not have given up on me. I had everything in
the world that meant anything to me.... a beautiful
wife, 2 beautiful boys, and a roof over our heads. Now
all because of my sickness it cost me everything I ever
wanted in life. She can't be blamed for leaving me,
because I really was an awful person to live with.
never thought my life would ever end up like this but I
guess I deserve it. Now I have no choice but to get on
my own two feet and live for my kids. Who knows, maybe
my wife will forgive me. She may never come back, but if
she forgives me it will mean a lot to me. There is hope.
good set of medications and therapy do wonders. I still
don't think anyone who is not ill can fully understand
what I was dealing with. It felt like a wrestling match
was going on in my head every minute of every day. This
is an illness of the brain. An ill person cannot help
it. The transmitters and receptors in the brain don't
really allow choice. I was a very ill person but with
each passing day Iím getting better, and people can be
around me, and I can be around people now. I never
before had a time where I didn't feel some kind of
pressure. I think much clearer now and don't feel like
Iím going 100mph. Before treatment it fellt as though
my head left 2 minutes before my body did.
Now Iím whole. I just wish that my wife would have given
me another chance to show I could be that person she
fell in love with those 22 years ago.
New Brunswick Canada