My name is Cinnamon and I am 33 years old. I was
diagnosed in 2002 with Bipolar 2, but when I look back I see I had
it quite a few years before that.
I always knew I was a little different than my friends. One day I felt
like I could conquer the world then the next I was so depressed I
couldn't stand to be around myself.
My first recollection of having bipolar was when I was 12. It was at a
funeral for my Dads great friend and I happened to be in a mania
state of mind. Well it didn't go over well with my Mom and I
remember her telling me to calm down, I was embarrassing the family.
I was crushed! WHAT! I am just being me? I didn't know how to
be anyway else. (FYI ..at the time we didn't know I was BP, and my Mom
would never have said that to me if she knew..she is my biggest
My next red flag was when I was with my ex-fiance. I met him at 15 and we
broke up when I was 22. We drank alot together (all or nothing) we
fought and we had a lot of sex. (which was another part of bipolar i
wasn't aware of) One night after a drunken stupor we got into a serious
fight. He looked at me and told me I was crazy and he pitied the man
I would end up with. Once again WHAT? Was I that bad? I thought I was
fun to be around! In my mind (mania) I was the perfect catch! He
used to always say to me I was different and no body could possibly love
me..blah blah blah.....so at 22 kicked his butt out! SEE YA!
Partied hard for 2 years after the seperation. Drugs, promiscuous sex
(protected) and lots of alcohol. Weird thing during that time all
though I was around alot of people and supposively having fun I felt
so alone and detached it was scary.
When I first turned 24 I had a bad experience with a drug and it scared me
so I figured that was not the way I was going to go out of this
world! That wasn't me the girl I had turned into...so I quit
everything! Alcohol, drugs, sex, partying! (except cigarettes) I
became very spiritual and calmed my soul right down.
I met my future husband that year. He was tall, dark and handsome and boy
I fell for him fast! He was so calm and nice. Something I wasn't
used to. I remember him talking to my Mom on the telephone (few months
into us dating) and he was saying how he was going to marry me one
day. Mom told him she had to let him know I go from extremely high
to extremely low and she felt he needed to know it can be tough some days.
That kinda hurt me at the time, but still we didn't know I had it yet.
My husband didn't care. He loved me for me and he would do anything to
We got married in 2001 (4years after we met) and we are still together. He
is very patient with me and is so understanding. I am very lucky
that way! I thank God for him daily!
It was the year after i got married when I was diagnosed. I denied it for
3 years. Coming off my meds the second i felt better..then
crashing...back on my meds again..then crashing lower..it was a
vicious cycle. I met my disability counselor and she explained to me
everytime I came off my meds and I dropped to a new low it was that
much harder for the medication to bring me back to the original
me...that scared me I didn't want to lose me forever..so I
have been faithfully taking my meds for over a year! Huge
accomplishment for me.
This is a long road and like someone else said a roller coaster ride but I
know we can manage it. Some how, some way we just have to believe in
ourselves and our support systems around us. Especially on the hard
Sure I miss my highs since being on my meds but the good thing is my
suicidal thoughts are nothing like they used to be and my mood
swings are way more manageable.
So there is hope! There's always Hope!
I will leave you with this...I know how hard it is to stop the suicidal
thoughts....BUT PLEASE CALL ANYONE you can to help you through it! Hard to
do in that moment I know but it really does work!! Trust in the ones
you love...they are there for you! The last thing in the world they
want is to lose you forever! and no matter what... one person
out there adores you!
Hope, Love and Stength