Q: Trying to Keep Marriage Together
I am here but I am in a bad place right now- this is a copy of a letter written
seeking advice from someone else. It gives the basics of what has happened in
the past year.
Copy of letter follows:
good day to you,
My name is Steven. I have been through a very dark road over the past year and
would like to seek your insights. In October of 2000 my wife went through a
manic episode with all of the symptoms and results- brought on by exsposure to
steroids for an bad injury. A failure by her physician to collaborate with her
psychiatrist. This past February, after getting out of the hospital for the
third time over 2 years, she began on lithium. after about 2/12 years previous
of varied medications, bad side effects, withdrawals, financial ruin, and me
supporting her through it all, I myself reached MY OWN breaking point in the
after math. But as she came out in February and after a month began to feel
better, she began to put on an extreme amount of weight for her petite size.
After so many times of side effects resulting in this or that, I found myself
going into the 'here we go again' mode. I had become physically and emotionally
exhausted and just had had enough. I basically turned away from her and though
she tried to talk to me to find out what was wrong, I said some stupid things
that at the time I did not know why I was saying them and has put us in a place
where have separated after 7 years of marriage. I myself had problems with
weight control (which I conquered) growing up and did not realize till lately I
had a phobia towards it.
When I saw her gaining this weight it seemed to strike a deep personal nerve
with me. I tried to apologize for behaving in such a way before it got too far
and finally since she was so insistent, I could only say I was no longer
attracted to her. Her feelings were hurt. I was numb by this time. She says she
understands all that I have gone through with her but I do not think she does.
We at one point appeared to make up and start to continue our life , but over
the next few days she could not release the grudge of my turning away from her
after being there for her through all of it. Now, as of today, she is asking me
to go away. Saying we need time apart while she pursues a goal of seeing if she
can not have to be so dependant on others as she 'has' most of her life.
What she does not get is we married each other because we loved each other, not
out of need.
I would like to ask if I may what circumstances led to your divorce and how is
it you got back together. I love her so dearly and feel so stupid for the things
I said back then that 'broke her heart' as she describes. And as a further
heartbreak to me, she has engaged in infidelity, Which I am sure will not happen
But what if I WERE to move out, excluding myself from this family I have fought
so hard to keep together through this ordeal, what kind of things could I
Excuse the length of this letter but his is what I have been holding in for over
a year and as an end result I MYSELF am now seeing a counselor as a result of
thank you so very much,
Dear Steven --
Iíve gotten way behind on replies so am
opting for now to be "short and sweet" (hopefully, and hopefully still
Two thoughts: 1) stay in there if you can, if
she doesn't throw you out, and see where it goes over time. You made it
this far, you may be able to make it through this too. 2) I believe in
psychotherapy for things like this, I've seen it help a lot of people including
me, and sometimes there's a long way to go. That's why you need the time
that #1 here might afford you. Good luck.
Published November, 2001