Q: Needs Help and Afraid of Scaring Husband Away
Hi, I really, really need help.
PLEASE ANSWER SOON
I just sent a message to you.. Please, disregard it. I should
have done more research before asking..
My mother was hospitalized for a short time, and is definantly
bipolar.My father is severly mentally ill, I am not sure how. They
divorced when I was seven. But, all I will mention about him is that
something is so wrong with him, he is scary like a serial killer.
I really need help. Because, I am so depressed , even suicidal.
I take trazodone and paxil. I KNOW FOR SURE there is something so much
more wrong with me then just major depression.
I am 29 I have been treated for depression since I was about
13. I took a bunch of pills, but then immediately told my mother. I
did this because no one would believe i was really sad.
This is going to be a really long letter and I really apologize
in advance. Of course, as you have guessed my father was abusive.
I am nine years younger than my brother and sister, so I was mostly
The thing is for a period of about two years between ages
of 11 and 15 ,oh I guess longer than two years. I had hallucinations
of whispers and a demon attacking me. I was completely aware of my
surroundings at these times..
I do not hallucinate like that anymore but I am
social phobic and severel other things. Like think strangers are making fun
of me.. And i am frightened of mirrors in the dark I think a demon will jump
out and grab me. I KNOW there is not one, but am frightened all the
same. This do not affect my functioning, i hide my distress, but they cause
I do see a psyciatrist. He does know about my
hallucinations from 15 years ago, he just said no problem unless they come
back let me know.
I WAS manic for a long time when I was about 15 . Promiscuos,
saying things, talking too much, saying stupid things, so that everyone
thought I was weird.
Oh, I read about the before 3 years of age thing on being
schizophrenic. And I asked my mom about it. Because , she always comments on
how I was such a good baby. And she says I really never cried unless
something was wrong. I never asked for attention, though accepted it when I
got it. Never pulled hair or threw tantrums or ANYTHING. and it makes
But, since I have been on antidepressants. I am not manic
expect when I get really really nervous around a group of people and I do
the talk too much thing. But, almost never. That is the only manic symptom I
have had for like 15 years. And it may not even be manic, but just so
nervous I am stupid.
The thing is the antidepressants work. They keep me
from killing myself. And i finally asked my new doctor if when u have
depression, and take medicine, if it helps but u still have to deal with
coping with being depressed everyday. He said absolutely not, they should
work and raised my paxil dose some.
Like i said, I am not manic at all and have not been for
years..But, the antidepressants DONT work well enough. I am
basically sluggish, and I am never happy. I mean if I won a million
dollars i would be glad but not happy.
I also have never even felt more for another person than
just basic caring. Until i married my husband at 18 we are still
married and I love him so much I REALLY would die for him.
But, he has seen what we have had to deal with concerning my
mother. And would be disgusted if he found out i was the same..WE have
gone thru so much with her..She finally takes zyprexa and without it, i
would not even be able to see her she was so bad.
So u can see why I am scared. He is really disgusted with and
how my mother acts and has acted.
I know I need even more help. But, I am not sure if I am
a mild form of schizophrenic with depression. Or bipolar. But, either
way I am scared too ask for more help and scare my husband off. I have
NEVER been as bad as she was though. But, I do not want to be
something, that someone else had, my mom, and it caused me so much pain. God
, i dont want to be that.
WE have been married 11 years no kids. I just never wanted any. But,
i just want an opinion on what I probably am more likely to have. The
illness which one I mean. So, I know better how to ask my doctor for help.
Because, my husband and i are so close there would be no way to hide
my new diagnosis and medicine from him. And even if i got the courage to ask
for more help even though my husband would know I had more than depression.
I do not want to have to keep going back over and over and over in a
short period of time. So that the doctor could figure me out. That
would freak my husband even more.
Something else i may should mention, is that though I am very
smart many people think I am dumb because I kind of have arrested
development or soemthing. I am kind of child like. I can function as an
adult. But, people mistake this kind of weird personality I have as dumb
blondness when It is actually that I act pretty much childish. For
instance, I always say as long as i get to yell I dont stay mad. I dont hold
grudges. But, what I really do is have a tantrum, and then like a kid
I am not mad at the person anymore.
Please help, because I need more help and sometimes my silliness
embarrasses my husband , but sometimes he just thinks im extra sweet. But I
need more help , but I am afraid I will lose the only person I really love.
Because, like i said, he would have a reasone to freak out after seeing my
Thank You So Much,
Please respond as quickly as u are able
Dear Ms. J'
Because it doesn't take much
reading there to see that you are suffering and need some help, I'll confess
I skimmed your letter. Clearly it's time to find a good therapist
and/or psychiatrist. You can direct them to my website
if you think they don't grasp ideas you may have found there. Use
a therapist" guide if needed. I hope you find someone with
whom you feel comfortable, and soon. Good luck to you.
Published July, 2001