Orbiting the Black Hole
Today is one of those days that just seem endless and hopeless! There seems to be no end in sight as I look around me and the options seem to close in.
I hate it when a spell of depression comes upon me without reason or warning, especially after some good, positive things have happened.
I lay in my chair unable to summon the energy to get showered or dressed until way after lunchtime. My thoughts are dark and dreary and thoughts of release again start to rise to the surface.
"O death where is thy sting?" The voice says, and that seductive whisper that all will be well when life is over, starts again. Free from the mental and physical pain that life brings me - O what a blessing that would be! Why wait says the voice - it only prolongs the suffering.
I look and imagine a black hole orbiting the sun and I am trapped in the accretion disk slowly being pulled to the centre and just waiting to hit the event horizon when I know all will be too late.
Watching my life events, in imagination, slowly spiral in to that dark abyss and finally disappear, somehow seems comforting, as though it will help atone for my past problems and help the guilt completely end at last.
I look at my wonderful wife and see the worry on her face and ache to be able to erase it in one stroke and long for the courage sometimes to follow my whispering siren into peace and oblivion.
Then I think of the little things like holding my granddaughter's hand as we marched together on Anzac Day yesterday and smiling as she very conscientiously worked hard to keep in step.
The chance to phone a fellow BP sufferer in South Africa when the black holes where in evidence there and the thanks in the voice over the phone line that some one cared.
And I think of the voices of my other grandkids as we talk on the phone and I receive the strength for one more hour and one more day.
And I guess that's all the struggle is - hang on to the accretion disk by hour or day until the brighter spots come.
26 April 2005
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