Feelings

by Barb Bergman - a Significant Other

Ive wrote so many stories about Vapor and Snow. Their lives. Where time, fate and destiny have taken them.

Vapor and Snow seem to have hidden, if only for a short while. Now what is there is more real. Now Michael and Barbara have emerged.

The lives of these two are much more complex. Two souls who hurt, cry, wonder, weep, pray, feel lost, and want to be found.

Two who both want the other, yet both question and walk away to see if what they have is real. If God will lead their paths together again.

Michael thinks of a future without her in it. This thought has tears streaming down his cheeks...has his chest hurting and breathing has become no longer an easy task. He can not think of a life or future without her. He also can not think of how to find her. He is still letting go of a past and a grief that he can no longer hold on to.

Michael sits and thinks of all his dark secrets...hidden truths...past pains. He can not grasp or except them yet himself, how could she. How can he even attempt to speak the words of the things he feels when there are no words yet able to even make him comprehend? How can she? He has no understanding of himself at this moment. This also brings fear. Fear in many ways. Do I try and tell her? Do I try and make her see and hope she can grasp what I can not? Do I speak words of confusion and pray she doesn't think I am crazy? Do I speak of anger and rage that I have never felt till now and beg her to not believe I would ever hurt her? Do I remain silent, speak no words at all, and hope this is the answer I need to give her? Which question is the one I answer? Which one is the question that will give her the hope she needs? Which question is the one that will keep her from walking out of my life?

Those questions and 100 other race through his mind. All at the same time..all with no answers coming to any one. Not being able to focus on even one thought. Knowing in himself he doesn't want to lose her. They have come too far for it to end. Knowing he can not yet find her, to seek her now would be the most unfair thing he has ever done in his life. Praying to God that she holds on, even though he knows he can not ask this of her this time.

More thoughts racing, yet answers don't come.

Wanting to scream..make it stop..am I going insane? Let me answer one question and know its right...let me answer JUST ONE and remove it from this mess inside my mind. Let the confusion go away so I can allow my heart to think for once. So I can find the happiness I deserve.

This is the thoughts of Michael each day. Even when he hides behind masks that he long ago found. The thoughts of Barbara, his past, his pains, his future, and many more race around his mind.

Then we get to Barbara. She has so many of the same emotions as Michael, Many of the same thoughts and asks for answers.

She can think logically and she knows then what he endures. That thought brings pain to her heart...warm tears stream down her cheeks that she lost control over.She would do anything to take his pain for him, she also knows she can not. She tries to learn more. Help him endure as well as herself understand.

She also thinks..step back...walk away...see if he finds you...her thoughts. Her heart knows..he can not yet. He can not even find himself. She think he does things to hurt...to push away...because he doesn't have enough respect to speak the words...but she knows this is not the truth. He loves and respects her more than anyone in his life. He can not even find one answer for himself. She knows he believes silence is the best thing for her now.

Deep breaths come. Try and focus on things you know are truth. Let go of things that are not real just insecurities from your past. Be strong for him. Allow him to feel your strength and love and focus on that. Focus on your life. Let him put his demons to rest his way. Just don't go so far that he can no longer see you. Allow him to open each door to let those ghost escape forever but make sure he sees you, your love, your strength and guidance. Do not try and open the doors for him, you can not. He must face them himself, but he needs your love to do this.

Barbara speaks these words to herself. She knows this in her heart and mind. But doing those things is so hard. Loving someone makes you want to stand in front of them...protect them at all cost...endure the pain for them. It is what Ive is...and as hard as it is...it can not be done.

I can not stand in front of you. I will stand beside you. When you need strength...when you feel lost...when you forget me...just turn and look..take my hand.

 

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