I feel the feeling of long past nights
The mood, the magic, the rhythm, the lights
Stay with me, feeling, stay!
The moments I felt years ago
Months of magic in a row
- Don't go far away!

Numbness wants to settle in
as if the lights could never win
Oh hard and lonely fight!
But I belive the good will last
in the ned, as in the past
I dive into the night...

And so I walk the empty streets
And block out thoughts of past defeats
Find myself in a song
The lights are shining, look like gold
The wind is blowing, but I'm not cold
I start to sing along

Don't you know there's always hope
Even gliding down a steep steep slope
There's always good times again
We don't know what life will bring
How many new wild songs to sing
How can we get down, my friend?

So many times I thought with tears
In my heart my darkest fears:
Will I ever be happy again?
Oh had I known that before long
I would be singing a happy song
- That's what I mean, my friend

So I feel the feeling of long past nights
Would I have thought I'd run with the lights
again - oh, feeling, stay!
See life can't be a straight line
After the rain the sun will shine
And melt the clouds away.

KK.

Yes they call him crazy
he sits in that bus shelter a lot
on the ground
he walks on the sidewalk making weird gestures
stopping abruptly
my friend said he scared her...
but you know what, he paints
yes his paintings are wild scribblings
but they are not bad...
and you know what, the other day I saw him
with Tommy
walking slowly so Tommy could keep up with him
with his walker
helping Tommy out
carrying Tommy's pink plastic bag
making sure he got across the street ok...

Last time I Fell (8.25.2000)

The last time I fell
was a rainy afternoon
in late spring
and I felt it coming
I wished I could have landed softly, softly...
But no, I had to crash

Foggy Out Here (8.25.2000)

Downtown it is sunny
but it's foggy out here, on the campus
But better foggy skies than fog inside my brain
It's foggy out, but my mind is clear
There have been other days
when the sun was shining and the sky was blue
but in my head, nothing but clouds...

On A Newspaper Box (8.26.2000)

I'm sitting on a newspaper box
Listening to "in the arms of the angel"
Waves of joy again
Smiling, leaning my face against the cool pole
Why should it matter how long I can feel this way?

The third library Book (8.28.2000)

I lost the third library book in less than three weeks.
Where is my brain going?
Brain, hello!
It smiles and turns away.

Empty Streets (8.30.2000)

Sacramento Street
1.30 am
no car in sight
skyline ahead
reddish glimmer in the sky
silent and alone
I walk like in a dream
soft music playing...

August Fast Pass (9.1.2000) (fast pass=our monthly bus pass)

Orange and green fast pass
Crumpled, much used
I feel a grip at my heart
letting go of you
You were witness of great, wild times...

The Only Thing that Counts Is Love (9.3.2000)

Bird looks with frightened eyes
"Don't worry, baby," I say
"Do you have a box?" I ask at the tobacco store
Later, on the bus
I peak inside
"Baby"
I realize
Nothing, nothing counts but love

Last Night On The Campus (9.7.2000)

3 am
the sprinkler is on
it's a warm night
was trying to save somebody's life again
the sprinkler is on
I wil have to take a cab again

Something wrong With The Wolrd (Forest Hill Station, Tired) (9.8.2000)

feels like something's wrong with the world
the lights are so bright
me so tired
seems like objects are getting out of proportion
the light is refelcted on the elevator doors
maybe I will lose consciousness

And About Tiredness... (9.8.2000)

at night I am wide awake
till very late
but today
I feel like sleeping, sleeping
on the Muni train
in my classes
close my eyes and let myself fall
into sleep
sleep, sleep
dream worlds catching up with me
engulfing me again
lean back and sleep, sleep
of course you are tired now.

Where Does It End? (9.15.2000)

All the birds
all the lsot-and-found items
all the cars along the freeway
everything that smells
suspicious
all the hungry people in the world
how much can i do
- Where does it end?

All the crying
all the pain
all the homeless that get caught int he rain
all the blankets
that someone may need
all the insects that get trapped in the water
how much can I do
- Where does it end?

(They say i have boundary issues,
but what is love
if it's not giving everything
all the time?)

Happy music I don't want to hear anymore
The pomes of the happy times
- I shudder at the thought of reading them
Is it over?
I am tired.
Is it over?
It can't be...

Overwhelmed now
Woman I buy you a sweater but should I do more?
I cannot save everybody
I am so sorry.

I am so tired.
It is almost as if my body
isn't alive anymore.
I am a machine
I still fulfill my duties
But the enthousiasm is gone.

Wendy, Wendy, I still want to help you
really...
don't cry.
I have tears in my eyes.
I'll be all right don't worry
I'll be fine

Oh deep deep pain
I remember
last spring it was just the same
here we go again
Will acceptance now follow
or am I still holding on?
I am afraid

Why can't the good times last?
Are they too exhausting?
The man behind me on the bus is coughing
and I'm afraid I'll catch his cold
because I'm so down in the dumps
physically
but also emotionally
Can somebody help me?

Leaning against people again now
Wanting love, support
I am scared of the night again
My eyes hurt
But I am burning to get online
so that this time I can ask for help myself
Please can please somebody help me?

WARM NIGHT (9.12.2000)

A cold wind blows out at State
I am tired, too many things...
Overwhelmed, overwhelmed, overwhelmed
I fall asleep during class
I write an email to K.S. that it's over
I go to the psyc clinic to make an appointment
I lean against a pole at the health center
The depressed one now
Overwhelmed, overwhelmed, overwhelmed
It gets dark earlier
I get an advent kind of feeling during class
Suddenly I want to be home again
with my family
and bake Christmas cookies
It is foggy and cold
and I am so tired
I drag myself around
and get home and Norma is having a crisis again
I play telephone crisis intervention
So much for relaxing with the paper
But oh well
Norma is more important right now
Only what can I give her
When I'm so overwhelmed myself
at the moment
on this fall-like day
that makes me wish back the old times again
I was so happy here for a while again
I am so tired now.

I step outside and a warm wind blows
It is late already
I can't believe it, the night is warm!
It is so much exactly what I needed
It brings tears to my eyes.

YES I'M FINE (9.18.2000)

I'm not down anymore. The long nights are fun again! They are real, they are 
interaction with other people. Yesterday was such a warm night again. 
Talking to the bus driver on the M Shuttle bus, joking with hime and other 
riders all the way from market and Third to West Portal Station.
And then on the way back from SF State, close to 2am again, that one bus 
driver that I have met before, the one who knows me... AND DON'T YOU KNOW 
BUS DRIVERS YOU ARE THE KEEPERS OF MY SANITY! I cannot ONLY exist in the 
internet chatrooms.

HEAT WAVE (9.20.2000)

sadness
already
when aware
that the cold wind will be back
like my mind
during the good times
because the weather changes
always, always
summer dreams
fade.
 
 

(This last one by the way I wrote because we REALLY had a heat wave and I LOVE the warm weather but I KNOW it usually only lasts 3 days or so.. and then the fog and wind are back)
 

KK

The Shadows (9.25.2000)

How come? The shadows are getting longer.
I don't want this winter feeling now.
It used to be good
But where is the summer?
They say i'm intense
I can only agree
I love intensity
But where is it leading me?
September dreams
Last only for so long
The wind gets colder later on
The evenings come around
Faster
Why am i feeling so afraid?
Why does my head hurt like this?

91 Owl (9.27.2000)

I close my eyes
The streets are still there
Orange lights
Black night

Rumble, rumble
we speed along
Every night I wait for the 91 Owl at SF State
And then get on and either read
Or talk to the bus driver
Or fall half asleep
Or something

And I know these times they too will pass by
And I don't even know anymore if I like them or not
Black night
Orange lights
At home safety is waiting.

Woman With The Newspaper (9.27.2000)

In the morning inthe way to the bus stop
I see a woman coming out of a store
with the Chronicle under her arm
I smile and feel a wave of hope:
Normalcy is possible.