The Creator of All, Spirit in the Wind

The Creator of all made me knowing I would suffer and survive.

 There are times when I cry out in despair, what burden to be alive.

 I kneel at the foot of my bed and ask Him, Why? Help me and how shall I?

 I was born with an illness that’s a roller coaster that’s sometimes fun to ride.

 But when it crashes at the bottom, all I want to do is sleep and hide.

 People do not understand the pain, inner anger and sadness that keeps me in bed.

 The heavy weight of fear and confusion that makes me plod, not run instead.

 My manic side spends too much money when I’m sort of a high roller,

 The bills come in and reality hits, once again I lament, I am definitely Bipolar.

 I know the darkness and isolation of depression that follows the ride up the coaster.

 One solace is knowing I am not alone in my struggle and strife.

 There have been many who share the mixed bag of pain and creativity.

 Patty Duke, Mark Vonnegut and Virginia Woolfe make three.

 It’s well reported they too had woes with relationships and strained families.

 The worst is when your children don’t understand and run the other way.

 The fear of “odd” behavior and unwillingness to become educated and see,

 Once understood it’s no more frightening than skin cancer or minor surgery.

 Just to struggle and stay well, there is a burdensome price to pay.

 Sometimes you just want to scream and say “God why did you make me this way?”

 He replies, I did it so that even with your clever and creative mind,

 You would end up having to trust in Me alone, Spirit in the wind.

Copyright 2004 Thomas F. Williamson

SCREAMING

 by: TWAILA-JO GINN [twailajoginn@verizon.net]

Thus the spiral begins again...

the fall into that dark lonely hole.

It starts so slow then speeds up without warning

no time to brace

the voices and sights

and oh yeah, don't forget the paranoia

One screams in silence for no one seems to hear..

screams for help, screams that fall on deafen ears.

Hopeless and mad,

She trudges along.

She knows she is not alone....

but it is a road that she feels she walks alone

Her friends and family try to help..

but they can only help so much

She reaches out to the proffessionals

but they are too busy..meetings and such

She reaches out to others like her...

searching for that understanding

she so desperately needs.

As she plummets, mind racing

she searches the edges

for a ledge to grab hold of

she fears she will not find one

and once again be at the bottom.

She has climbed up so many times

she is tired of fighting

why should she keep fighting

what she feels is an unbeatable battle?

Ah yes, her children

that is another story

They are her light at the end of the tunnel,

that gold medal for finishing the race,

her moon and sun.

It is mostly for them that she fights.

Again screaming without being heard.

People wonder how others can just "give up"

yet most won't listen to what that person is screaming

They hear what they want to...

understand what they want to

There are few in this world who actually try to understand

and honestly listen when their friend or family member screams for help.

Out of the ones that do

only half are willing to get involved.

It is just as scary getting involved

as it is for the person who needs the help

only in different ways.

For this girl, the worst to do is

pity or belittle..

and most importantly, unless you really do

don't say you understand her feelings.

Amongst the falling and fighting,

there is agitation, anger for no reason.

all the bridges burned,

relationships lost or damaged beyond repair.

She has a hard time letting people in as she always thinks

there are hidden motives.

Nobody does anything without a reason..

the question remains

what is their reason?

It is hard to live with all the doubt

never knowing which thought is accurate.

There is an upside..

the mania

it feels so good, to be happy

to have energy, a love for life.

Everything looks bright

even the darkest night shines brightly.

It is like looking at a brand new world every morning

a world that is peaceful and sunny and warm.

It is a feeling of contentment

of happinness and security.

High on life you could say

the top of the highest mountain.

Racing thoughts abound

so much to do and say

no where near enough time for it all

so you talk and do things faster.

Ten feet tall and bullet-proof

But alas Newton's Law will kick in

and what goes up Must come down.

It is the biggest longest rollercoaster

of ones life.

But one thing is true..

eventually there will be level ground again

for however long it stays.

A Leaf Alone

Hanging is a dried leaf
From a bare, dark, December tree.
Winds gust against it.
Rain and snow fall upon it.
Still, one leaf hangs alone
Withholding against life's elements and unknowns.

Will it fall or will it hang on?
Will it lose the battle or will it win?
To fall shows a long way down.
Staying shows leaf as champion.

Using tools of coping, it hangs on.
Eventual descent is not surrendering
As a new leaf lies within,
Stronger, smarter, and filled with vigor
To face, overcome, and accept
Life's elements and unknowns.

CJ Herlihy

Copyright ©2004 Carol J Herlihy

 MY DARKEST HOUR

These voices inside they won't go away.
Try as I might there determined to stay.
They think I'm crazy but how can I make them see.
This really is not me.
It's an illusion a mask of shame.
All the medical people all have the answer.
But only I can find my way.
It's an uphill battle day by day.
Never knowing who the real me is going to start to say.
I feel trapped inside my own body with no way out.
I kick and I scream but no one can hear.
The ones all around me live in fear.
People judge you by what they see.
Why can't I remove all the masks and just be me.

Jewel Marie Ludovissy copyright 2004

 

Why me?
 

 manic depressive, I’m diagnosed to have been
 but how many people now what it to mean?
 severe mental illness, no cure, but one day?
 a chemical imbalance, genetic they say!
 

 alcohol and drugs for me there’s no need,
 my mind takes me higher than one can conceive.
 to stay there i wanted , limitless and free,
 but exhaustion ,this illness the inevitable to be.
 

 then the depression , the feeling so low
 down as far as one can possibly go!
 to loved ones around your so cold and so mean,
 how can they love you for the way that you’ve been?
 

 between the extremes , there’s another you must go,
 thoughts and perceptions, you believe that you know!
 to reach such ecstasy, you must pay the price ,
 your brain being crushed, but who’s turning the vice?
 

Published Anchor Books  Yorkshire Inspirations   1999

Editor:  Kelly Deacon