Alone

Crashing waves, tumbling emotions
Howling, angry wind imprisoning me
Alone
Fighting the storm, pushing against the force
Violent thunder persuades me into the merciless sea
Alone
I surrender, give in to the terror
Swallowed in life’s current, helplessly go under
Alone

16 February 1995

Coercion

The dreams I follow are not my own
The life I lead an obligation
Splattered ink across my thoughts
Smudges them to confusion

Walking a road to a land I dread
I tread on a path of fate and predestination
Orchestrated by others
My soul sings a sad requiem

Boxed in a sphere of coercion
My boundaries remain constantly clear
As tears flood all around me
My dreams drown in regret

Pulling the plug in this pool of muck
My purpose gets sucked into oblivion
Climbing out of the emptiness
I smile…hiding shadows of sorrow
I run…from all I could have been
I pursue…all they want me to be
And leave who I am to die.

9 October 2001.

sometimes

Sometimes I wish I were an eagle

Flying high above the mountains

…Free

Floating on the soft white clouds

…Soaring

And if I should want to die

All I’d have to do is stop flying

…Forever

7 January 1995

Why?

Hope is lost and vision gone
My dream a faded death
So why?
God seems miles away
Allowing this termination
So why?
Friends and lovers ran
Family…who cares
So why?
Life has no meaning left
And death holds so much promise
So why not?

24 May

Ice Queen

Locked away behind invisible baracades
Through which only fear can enter
Love tasted and then thrown away
With immortal fear being the stronger power
The insignificance of the captive overwhelming
Music blaring, soul crying, mind distorted
Yet with a friendly smile on her face
No-one gets to know her beneath the surface
And those that dare to seek behind her walls
Surpassing the strength of her fear
Giving love she believes not to exist
They themselves are wounded
And retract, pulling away from her thorny being
A being driving away the slightest hint of true love
But deeper still, beyond the thorns, beyond the mystery,
Beyond those icy walls, beyond the painful inner woman,
Lies a scared little girl
A little girl longing to be loved.

14 June 1996

Decay

Lying in a pool of blackness
Slime and tar encrust my flesh
Round eyes, big as moons
Watch my own reflection
In this pool of muck

Worms crawl on me
In me
Through me
Knawing at my flesh
My emotions
My desire

They contort and writhe within me
Eating parts of me that surrender
Parts that are merely segments of death
Rising to freedom

I don’t feel pain anymore
It has dulled in the reflection of the darkness surrounding me
The worms are in my bones
In my head
In my chest

I smile...
They just ate my heart.

23 January 2002

Letter to self

Think you can anlayse me?
I dare you to be my Freud
No psychoanalysis
No counselling
No in-depth inner-child healing
Nothing will get you inside my head
You will never know me
You will never see who I am
You’ll never know how I feel
So accept ignorance of my persona
Know you will never know this self
Who are you?
You are me.

26 February 2001

Rain falling, falling, falling
Rolling down my cheeks
Cascading over my soul
Smothering the fire in my heart
Drowning my desire
Rain keeps falling, falling, falling
Crying tears for who I once was

8 May 1997

Status quo

Hungry and destitute

Yet living in a banqueted mansion

Starving for affection

Drawing away from love

Fighting the voices that torment me

Longing for another chance

Living in a fantasy

Far from here

Not real, but better

I survive only by dreaming

Interrupted, a dotted line

Space dot dit

Fragmented messages

Frozen thoughts

Disturbed consciousness

A lonely girl on a path to nowhere

Hoping for wholeness

Never daring to love

Wandering aimlessly

Searching for answers she knows she’ll never find

26 February 2001

Syncope

Did I faint
Did I die
Or is this just the way it feels to live?

Am I sleeping
Am I comatose
Or is being awake always so grey?

Unconscious
Drifting away
Am I flying?

Colour
Freedom
Am I dying?

Life and death joined by a fine, paradoxical thread
I find my sorrow in living, my joy in death
Somehow my thread got crossed.

26 February 2001