The Anger
[Home] [Bipolar News] [Bipolar Disorder] [Medications] [Treatments] [BP/Job/School] [Disability] [Ask the Doctor] [Ask David] [Self-Injury] [Personal Stories] [Graham's Column] [Steven's Column] [Storm's Column] [Columnists Archives] [Suicide] [Community Support] [Family Members] [Expressions] [Greeting Cards] [Books] [Awards] [Links & Rings] [About Us] [Contact Us]

 

The Anger!
 
I hate the anger!

 

I hate that irrational, flash of angry red, that sweeps in and consumes me.  I hate the anger at being angry.  I hate the loss of control and the flood of emotion that threatens to overwhelm me.

I hate being happy and euphoric one minute and then deep angry red the next!  I hate the thought of what the anger can do to my family, who suffer the brunt of my illness.  I hate the thought that this anger may be the real me. 

I think this is what affects me the most about suffering either depression or similar mood disorders.  How reactions are often way out of proportion to the triggering event. 

I think of the times like last night, where I was having a really great day, I felt happy, playful and ready to conquer the world and then; my adult daughter did something I wasn’t happy about.  Nothing serious, or spectacular in it’s portent; and yet it triggered a flash of hot anger, followed by that rush of anger-fed hormones, that completely switched me around in my mood.

I lay there in bed trying to get to sleep for my 4 am alarm time for work, and just got more and more wound up.  How do you explain that you feel so angry inside that you want to lash out at something, your body is so wound up that your legs drum on the bed as you try to rationally sort out the irrational?

I finally got to sleep at about 1.30 am.   Thankfully, I had managed not to say anything to my daughter.  She has gone through enough without me making life worse.

Then I feel angry that I felt this way.  Angry at being ill.  Angry at the "Why me?" calls to God, wondering why.  Then even angrier at myself as I respond to my own query,  "Well why not?"  As though the universe should revolve around my problems.

I sometimes feel like paraphrasing Tevye in ‘Fiddler on the Roof’ when he asks – "Would it spoil some vast eternal plan, if I were a HEALTHY man?"

If this rambling doesn’t make sense to you – the reader – imagine what it feels like to the people like me.  Suffering it from this side.

 

Graham Brown

January 2002

Bipolar World   © 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014
Owners:  Allie Bloom, David Schafer, M.Ed. (Blackdog)

Partners:  John Haeckel, Judith (Duff)
Founder:  Colleen Sullivan
Email Us at Bipolar World


About Us  Add a Link  Advance Directives  Alternative Treatments  Ask the Doctor   Ask Dr. Phelps about Bipolar Disorder   Ask The Doctor/Dr. Phelps' Topic Archives  Awards  Benny the Bipolar Puppy  Bipolar Chat  Bipolar Children  Bipolar Disorder News  Bipolar Help Contract  Bipolar World Forums  Book Reviews  Bookstore  BP & Other mental Illness   Clinical Research Trials & FDA Drug Approval   Community Support   Contact Us  The Continuum of Mania and Depression   Coping   Criteria    Criteria and Diagnosis  Criteria-World Health Disabilities,  DSMV-IV   Dual Diagnosis  eGroups  Expressions (Poetry, Inspiration, Humor, Art Gallery, Memorials  Family Members   Getting Help for a Loved One who Refuses Treatment  Greeting Cards  History of Mental Illness  Indigo  Job and School  Links    Medications   Medication and Weight Gain    News of the Day  Parent Chat  Pay for Meds  Personal Stories  Self Help  Self Injury  Significant Others  Stigma and Mental Health Law  Storm's Column  Suicide!!!  The Suicide Wall  Table of Contents  Treatments  Treatment Compliance  US Disability  Veteran's Chat  What's New?