Barbie

By Indigo Blue

Barbie was amazing in her zeal and love for God. She felt so deeply. She was very Martha Steward, but not a Vulcan like Martha. Barbie was fun. And children loved her.

Barbie started acting weird. Sometimes she'd laugh for no good reason, and go all spacey on you. People begin to talk in whispers about this. But, she was very loved, and very important. And her weirdness was largely overlooked.

Then Barbie wasn't fun. She was all paranoid and attacked another woman right there in church because she thought the woman was talking about her. Barbie was soon diagnosed and treated for postpartum depression and bipolar disorder. Turns out it runs in her family.

Then Barbie disappeared. Not literally, but she was wiped out of peoples minds and hearts. All that she was and all that she had done at this church, gone, because she takes psych meds, and is not "miraculously healed". Where I come from, black women, especially young, attractive, successful one’s, aren't allowed to be crazy. I don't care what you were/are, "crazy" is a dirty little secret that must be hidden. Ironically, lots of people said Barbie was demon possessed. You can be demon possessed in this church, but not bipolar. You can be a "drunk" or a "crack-head", but don't try "crazy". No one can accept that.

I know another beautiful, black woman who is bipolar. She spoke to me about it in the guarded tones common to someone who has been given hell about something. I protected her secret and thanked God things had not been so hard for me. But I was wrong. I was made an invisible woman, too. I was so caught up in my life I didn't notice.

So here I am, showing my underpants to the world via the Internet. I have wondered what would happen if people I work with find out. I have wondered what would happen if the parents of the children that I care for find out. I have wondered what will happen if I don't feel better, soon. These thoughts scare me at times.

The truth is, I am no less "me". I am great with kids, and I know how to get help when I need it. The truth is, there are people that need to hear what I have to say, and for some reason, I am one of the ones here to say it. I wish there was an Indigo Blue lady to help me navigate the deep waters of bipolar disorder way back when.

So in defiance of being made invisible. I am saying loud and strong: "Indigo Blue, a black, bipolar woman is here. I am not alone. I am not "crazy". I am not demon possessed.

I am healing, and taking my sisters with me.