TO Be...


To be or not to be - that is the question.

Shakespeare Hamlet


          But what is the answer?  Inevitably, most people would be quick to say "to be," but what about the others, the ones who contemplate this daily, all logic impaired by streams of restless, uncontrollable thoughts?

          When you often think of dying, you are immediately labelled suicidal, and because of this, crazy.  I loathe the word, for it has no real definition, and should not be used as an adjective for a person.  In a world where everyone looks the same, thinks the same, and seems to be okay with this, it's a real pain to be different.  Normal people believe there is a reasonable scientific explanation for every question, and therefore, cannot understand why some minds don't think alike.

          The concept of one's self dying is not a comfortable thought; in fact, it's rather frightening.  The idea of taking one's own life is even more horrific; it's not, contrary to popular belief, an act of impulsiveness, rather, a very planned, very detailed operation.

The mindset to do this must be very organized and concentrative, the very opposite minset of those who readily think of it.

          "Crazy" people don't kill themselves, they merely toy with the idea, rolling it around in their minds so it becomes a fantastical reality, a distant and vague obsession.  The debate of whether or not to stay becomes somewhat of a game, ever little incident hopping on to the board for a turn.  So I failed a test. Maybe I'll kill myself.  Do I feel feverish? Maybe I'll die of some incurable disease and won't have to do it myself.  My parents are never pleased with me, so they won't miss me when I'm gone...

          This obsession is what throws most people into psychiatric institutions for "safety reasons." 

          Sure there are techniques the doctors like to call "suicidal behavior or gestures," things such as cutting, scratching, wrist banging, pill popping and so on, but these are not intended to end one's life - they are merely parts of the game, punishment for making mistakes, temporary solutions to boredom, anger, or depression.  This is not to say these actions are fun, or even remotely satisfying, for that which they produce afterwards is a terrible mixture of guilt and regret, but they become instinctive, almost obligatory, a habit, like smoking - easily attained but hard to break.

          It takes a very sane person to actually kill themselves.  In a momentary act of bravery, they take the plunge or pull the trigger, leading them anywhere but the world of the courageous; they are swept away by the arms of the weak they were trying to escape in the first place.  Why most people don't understand this is a mystery, though hypothesized through the perception that the normal people believe suicide to be a sin they are incapable of committing.  They do not, however, call it a sin to think about it.  They call that insanity.  And that worries the hell out of me.


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